


Dichotomy

by Aearyn



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, NSFW, Questionable Consent, abuse mention, explicit - Freeform, torture mention, violence mention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 17:07:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14383158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aearyn/pseuds/Aearyn
Summary: Near the end of canon events in Ray's Route in "Another Story", Istari convinces Ray to leave Mint Eye with her.For my friend Menolly, whose OC I basically stole for this fic because she inspired me...heh.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MenollyWanderer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MenollyWanderer/gifts).



> (Adding some disclaimers assuming anyone reads this besides Menolly...)  
> Please note I am absolutely not a mental illness expert (although I certainly have personal experience of it). I don't think that hanging out with a person that loves you for a couple months magically cures you of torture-induced multiple personality disorder. Please remember this is fiction.  
> Also, I am in no way presenting this relationship as healthy, although I do like to think the characters are TRYING. Please note this fic is pretty dark, and [SPOILER ALERT] involves all sides of Ray/Saeran (sweet/sad Ray, cruel/hateful Saeran, and 'recovering' Sarean). And as you might have guessed from the tags, it involves intimate situations with all of them too. So please be warned.

Istari threw the car into park, and hurried around to the passenger side to help Ray get out. She was terrible at driving – she might live in the country, but she normally took her bike to town – but she'd made it here, and he was safe. For now.

He clutched his head as if it might burst, but managed to stand, and stumble, with her assistance, up to the front porch.

She was trying to stay calm for him, knowing that her emotional stability was sometimes the only thing that kept him sane. But it was hard to maintain a soothing façade when he was in so much pain; when he collapsed just outside the front door, a little whimper escaped her, and she fumbled urgently with her keys, desperate to get him into the house and laying down.

Finally she got the door open, and coaxed him to half-stand long enough to shuffle to the couch in the den to the right. She eased him down onto it, and he sank thankfully into the cushions, but before she could even go close the front door, he grasped her hand.

"Don't leave me, Star! I can't…ah!"

"I'll be right back, love, don't worry! I promise, I'm not leaving!" She didn't want to leave his side any more than he wanted her gone, but she had to get him some medicine, and a cold cloth for his head.

He was breathing heavily, and she worried that his pain might bring on some sort of seizure. She didn't know what she would do if he needed medical attention…she had a feeling he wouldn't allow her to fetch a doctor, or take him to one.

He reluctantly released her hand, and she practically ran to the front door, shutting it and pulling the curtains to. She hung the car keys just inside the door, not wanting them to get lost in case they had to leave in a hurry. Then she went to the kitchen, quickly gathering several edvil – it was all she had – and a cold, wet washcloth, along with a glass of water.

Back in the living room, Ray had the heels of his hands pressed to his eyes, and she had to choke back a sob to see him in so much pain. She took a deep breath to compose herself, and knelt next to the couch.

"I need you to take this, okay?" He didn't respond. "Ray…love…"

Finally he lifted one hand, holding it out to her, and she put the pills in it. He tossed them back and she replaced them in his hand with the glass, which she guided to his lips. After he'd drank half of it, she set it on the floor, and laid the cloth over his forehead.

He briefly opened his eyes, not even caring where he was apparently, as he didn't look around. He just peered at her from underneath the dripping cloth. His warm amber eyes drew her in…

But it was convincing him not to wear his contacts anymore that had caused Rika’s latest abuse, forcing him to take an obscene amount of the ‘elixir’. She’d felt so guilty about bringing the Savior’s retribution down on him, but if it led to them finally getting away from her, maybe it was for the best…

"S-say it again, Star, I…I feel like I'm a little further from dying when I hear you say it…"

She smiled sadly, and laid her hand against his burning cheek.

"I love you."

He sighed and closed his eyes again. "Promise me, you won't leave me?"

"Never."

"I…I think I'll be alright, now."

"See if you can get some rest. I'll be in this chair right next to you, okay?"

He nodded weakly, and in another ten minutes he was asleep, his body and his mind exhausted.

She didn't know if she could keep up her strong front for him if this reaction to the drugs – the last Rika had forced on him – would continue like this for long. A burning hatred filled her – the second strongest emotion she’d ever been a victim of, next to her devotion to Ray. She detested Rika with every fiber of her being; so far she’d successfully hid this from Ray, knowing that it would be unwise to reveal to him the sheer magnitude of her feelings about the woman. But the things she’d done to her sweet man…the ways she’d twisted him, used him, deceived him, abused him…it was like watching a horror movie unfold before her eyes. If she never had to hear her name or her ‘title’ again it would be too soon.

For now, she had to keep up a calm front, for Ray’s benefit. He’d agreed to leave the Mint Eye headquarters – and everything he knew, and had been conditioned to accept – based on her word alone, her word that she would help him, would stay with him…the least she could do was keep it.

***

The night was rough, but they made it through; she barely slept, merely dozing, always afraid someone from Mint Eye had followed. She'd taken as many alternate routes as she knew to, and had even crushed both their phones underneath the wheels of his car when they left. She couldn't risk someone tracking them; although Ray was pretty much Mint Eye's only hacker, Rika could probably find someone else among their ranks.

Before she'd ditched the phones, she'd sent a message to Jumin…that she was taking Ray somewhere safe, and to please not look for them, at least not yet. Give her some time, and she would contact them again. But right now they had to be alone, they had to stay hidden, or else Rika would find them.

She'd wanted to send it to V, or Seven, but she knew Ray's feelings on them were still conflicted. And if he asked her, she wanted to be able to tell him the truth. And she knew she could trust Jumin to behave with reason, above anyone else.

And they weren't her main priority. He was.

Her mind told her that her consuming devotion to him was irrational, possibly even insane. She ignored it.

She needed him like she needed water. And she was his solace, his comfort; they fed on each other, and all she could hope was that their relationship was symbiotic, and she wouldn't become a parasite to him.

She knew he had…issues. She'd seen what could happen if he lost control. She knew that while her attachment to him, her need to save him from that awful place – from his Savior, ironically – was a little beyond reason, but it was nothing compared to the demons that sometimes overtook him.

But she didn't care; she would take the bitterness of his anger along with the supremely satisfying sweetness of his love. She could live with that darkness, if she could nurture his light.

But maybe that wouldn't even be necessary – now that she'd got him off the drug, and away from Rika, maybe they could have a little peace.

***

When he fully awoke, he rubbed his eyes with a groan. But when he saw her, just having fallen asleep, curled on the floor next to the couch, her hand clutching his to her face…

"My Star…" he breathed, and she was just close enough to wakefulness that her eyes opened.

She smiled and held his hand against her cheek. "How are you feeling, love?"

He sighed. "I'll survive. The worst is over now." He looked around. "W-where are we? Is this a Mint Eye safehouse or something?"

She blinked. Here came the hard part…would he trust her?

"Ray…this is…this is my house."

He just stared at her.

"Please don't be mad at me, you said you trusted me, right? I need you to trust me now—"

"I don't understand. Why are we at your house?"

She took heart – he didn't seem angry, just perplexed. Hopefully they could get through this without arguing, or him getting upset with her.

"Because…I had to get you away from there, Ray."

"I…I understand, but maybe if we just tell her that I don’t want to take the drug anymore, then—"

"That's…not really what I mean. Everything they've done, Ray, has just been…to use you, to manipulate you. And it would never end, if we stayed--"

"No," he whispered, and she bit her lip. Here it comes…his defense of Rika, in the face of all evidence to the contrary…

"Love, you know I care about you more than anything," she asserted. "You said you'd trust me, always, right?" He didn't reply. "I just want you to be safe, and I think her…" she barely avoided saying words that would only upset him, “her treatment of you is hurting, not helping.”

"You've been talking to _them_ ," he muttered, his voice shaking, confused.

"It's not that, Ray, I've been listening, and talking to her, and talking to everyone there, she's not what you think, she—"

He put the heels of his hands to his eyes again, sitting up fully. “I…I want to believe you, but she’ll just…she’ll just cleanse me when she finds me, now, I don’t want to do that again, please don’t make me—”

“I won’t let that happen," she whispered. “I swear to you, I will never allow it!”

"You're taking their side against me. You've brought me here to turn me over to them, haven't you??" He was beginning to get hysterical, and she laid a hand on his arm.

"No, Ray please don't think I would ever do that to you. We're here alone, no one is anywhere near, the RFA doesn't know where we are and neither does—"

"No…oh _god_ no, no _no why_ —"

"Ray? Ray?!"

Suddenly he got up, shoving her away from him.

"You _traitor_!" he spat.

She cringed.

It wasn't her Ray's voice.

It was _his_.

***

"I'm leaving! As if I’d stay here with _you_!" he yelled angrily, walking into the hall, seeing the keys by the door.

She ran after him, grabbing his arm, desperate to keep him there – if he went back…nothing would change. Rika would continue to consume him until there was nothing left, to feed the abiding darkness inside her own soul. She couldn’t let that happen.

"No! Please, just hear me out, I would never—"

She gasped as the loud echo of a slap echoed through the entry hall. He'd hit her face so hard she staggered back, tears springing unbidden to her eyes.

"You think you're so clever! Bringing me here while Ray was awake, and couldn't defend himself, that sniveling little brat."

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to ignore the stinging pain in her cheek. What could she do to keep him from leaving? He clearly disdained her…

"Wait," she whispered, just as he opened the door.

Hearing the changed quality of her voice, he turned slightly, looking over his shoulder.

"I…" she swallowed. She had to make herself say it; if she didn't, Ray would be gone, and she'd be unable to protect him, to help him. She swore she wouldn't leave him – just because he wasn't where she could reach him, right now, her promise didn't mean any less.

"You what? Are you going to cut a deal or something? As if you have anything I—"

"I'll do whatever you want," she whispered.

He paused. "What? Speak up, I can't hear you."

"I said…I'll do anything you want. If you just…if you just stay." Finally she met his eyes.

Ray's eyes. But…not quite. The change in him was a miniscule amount easier to bear, now that his eyes were no longer that icy green…

He hung the keys back up beside the door. But then, he glanced at them, and at her, and put them in his pocket with a little smile.

"Can't have you going back on our deal, now can we?"

She tried not to show her fear of him; raised her chin as he came towards her, pushing the door shut behind him.

"I suppose I could have a little fun, for now…"

He grabbed her chin, forcing her to look him in the eye. Those eyes that she so loved…she would do anything to prevent seeing them show an ounce of hurt. And as his hand painfully gripped her face, she knew her promise was going to be sorely tested.

"You do make a very nice toy, Istari," he purred, his breath hot on her ear as he leaned down. "Perhaps I could show you…how much fun it could be…to belong to me…"

She struggled to control her roiling, conflicted emotions, as she felt his lips brush her neck. But…it was Ray, wasn't it? Essentially, although…a much darker side of him, perhaps.

In the recesses of her mind she knew that was putting it lightly, and that she was fooling herself. This was not the man she loved.

But god, how she'd longed for him to touch her…all this time he'd professed his love for her and they’d barely kissed once or twice…and now with his lips on her neck…

He chuckled, the sound sending shivers down her spine. "Hmm…it seems you aren't afraid of me. Quite the opposite. Perhaps I should change that."

How could his voice be so different, and yet he was the same—

She cried out when he applied his mouth forcefully to the pulse beneath her ear, sucking on her skin so hard she thought he might break it; she could feel his teeth…

Stars, it hurt! She barely noticed his hand snaking up the front of her dress, until it skimmed her breast, and then landed on her throat. He squeezed, just a little, and she gasped again.

Finally he pulled back, admiring his handiwork.

"Mmm….yes, I could get used to you doing…anything I want."

He dropped his hand and walked past her into the kitchen, and she clutched the stair banister for support, breath shallow, hands shaking.

Would she survive this? However long it took to get her Ray back, could she make it through the attentions of his darker half?

She had to. She'd promised.

***

He offered her no further violence that day, or the next – in fact, that night he went to sleep in her bed down the hall, and when he woke, Ray was there, somewhat renewed. Confused – she told him he’d blacked out from another headache, and she’d guided him to the bed before he collapsed. She didn’t like to lie to him, but she couldn’t very well tell him the truth. Not yet.

Luckily he didn’t mention the scarf she wore to cover the ugly welt on her neck; she’d tried makeup, but the purplish-red was too dark to cover completely.

He was still skeptical about the wisdom of their flight, although he vowed to try to trust her, at least for a while.

She explained to him a little more about this place – that it was one she’d often stayed at as a child, but she hadn’t been there for some time until a few months ago. Then, her Uncle had died, and left the property to her; she’d visited for a few weeks in the summer to get everything in order. Apparently Mint Eye didn’t know that she’d already given notice at her apartment, intending to come back here and live. She hoped they’d never find out about this place…

She thought, that day, that perhaps her brush with his other side had been temporary, fleeting. Maybe he'd just gotten too angry, but that wouldn’t happen again; they were calm, after that. Peaceful.

That night, she pulled a chair into her bedroom, and sat next to the bed. She'd convinced him to lay down and try to sleep, again; she wanted him to be healthy, she insisted, and he no longer was under pressure to work at all hours, so he should be able to rest.

She held his hand as she read to him, some old book of poetry she'd found in the den, but he didn’t really care about the words. He just wanted to hear her voice.

Just before he fell asleep, he squeezed her hand.

" …my Star…"

"What is it, my love?" She brushed his pale hair away from his paler brow.

"Sing me the song…"

She smiled. A rather strange tune she'd sung to him before, from some film about elves; it was in a minor key, discordant almost, but he loved it so, and she wasn't about to deny him.

She sang the words softly, words neither of them really understood, but as he drifted off she was rewarded with a little smile playing about the corners of his mouth, and she couldn't resist laying her hand against his cheek.

Her sweet, broken boy…she could help him, she knew she could. She was meant to be here, meant to save him, and not in that twisted way his "Savior" used. She just wanted him to be happy, free of pain and fear.

Whatever happened, she swore she would see this come to pass.

***

Fevered dreams plagued her rest; _Ray's sweet smile giving way to his darker side, his gentle caresses turning into…something else._

_Something darker, something painful._

_Something…curiously enticing…_

Her eyes flew open; and a little gasp escaped her when she saw what Ray was doing.

She'd fallen asleep in the chair, slumped down a bit; her robe was askew, and he'd pushed it apart – along with her legs.

His mouth was on her thigh.

"R-ray?" she breathed, struggling to sit up.

An iron grip on her leg alerted her that perhaps things were not as they seemed.

"You said… _anything_ …and remember, you’re my toy, I can do as I please," he murmured smoothly, and fear quickened her pulse.

Her first impulse was to push him away, kick him out of the room, out of the house even – lock herself inside until he'd come to his senses.

But that wouldn't work; provoking him would only make things worse.

She squeezed her eyes shut. And remained still.

"Ahhh," he breathed, chuckling darkly. "You’ve gotten smarter. You know who has control here."

She flinched, but said nothing. If he insisted on being…intimate with her, she would just…pretend it was Ray. Then she could get through it.

She could endure anything for him.

"Hey!" he exclaimed, and reached up to pat her face, none too gently. "No closing your eyes! Watch me! Don't want you pretending I'm….someone else…"

 His voice was so silky, so utterly different from the man she loved, it was astounding.

But she opened her eyes as he demanded. Even if she looked at him, she could still pretend it was just her—

"Ah!" She cried out as he bit the soft flesh of her thigh.

He merely chuckled, and then drew hard on her skin; the bruise from that first day still hadn't really faded, and now she'd have another one…

He held her eyes as he reached up…and grabbed the edges of her panties, on both sides, pulling roughly. Against her inclinations, she lifted her hips, and let him pull them down her legs, and off.

"You want to know a secret?” he whispered. “I lied when I said I don’t like your smell. I do like it…it makes me want to taste you.” She thought for a horrified moment she might cry – she imagined what Ray would sound like saying that, in his sweet, reverential voice, instead of this rough stranger, this defiler…

Without warning he shoved her legs apart, and thrust his fingers into her.

She couldn't help it; she whimpered, tears dampening her lashes as all her imaginings of this moment – with Ray – came crashing down around her.

It was him, touching her, as she'd longed for, but…it wasn't. Ray would be gentle, kind, tentative, reverent. He'd hesitate, look to her every time he did anything, worried he'd upset her, push her boundaries.

This…intruder…did nothing like that. After a few seconds of exploring her depths with his first and middle finger, he withdrew, and she thought for a moment he'd sated his curiosity.

Then he pushed 3 fingers inside, and she cried out, gripping the edges of the chair. But far from dissuading him, this seemed to incite him; he pressed roughly upward, watching her face for evidence that he'd found what he was looking for—

"Ahh!" she gasped, as he pressed in just the right spot; she couldn't deny the sharp throb of pleasure his fingers brought. But she tried to stifle it – this wasn't the man she loved. This was tantamount to cheating on Ray…

His head descended between her legs, and she utterly forgot any objection, his tongue roughly tracing her clit, one hand spreading her apart while the other pushed relentlessly against her g-spot, as if challenging her to resist, to avoid climaxing with this man who was not the one she loved—

In the end, he defeated her.

"No!" she cried, as she felt her orgasm about to overtake her. He pushed harder. "Please—please, stop, I can't—" her words were lost in a wail as she tightened around his fingers, hips jerking against her will, pleasure rushing through her with abandon. Her knuckles went white as she gripped the edges of the chair, shaking against his mouth.

When she was done, he licked her none too gently, making a greedy noise, then pulled her apart with both hands and shoved his tongue inside. An aftershock of pleasure washed through her, one she hated for showing him that he had control over her, had ways to get what he wanted.

He drank from her as if she were indeed ambrosia, his tongue sliding deep, and she feared for one horrified moment she might come again at the sensation of it. But thankfully he pulled back, wiping his mouth inelegantly and leaning back against the bed with a satisfied sigh.

"Ahh…I've been wanting to do that for weeks…delicious."

She tried not to show her disgust, afraid of provoking him; her Ray would never be so callous, so crass. She quickly pulled her legs together, adjusted her lacy robe and retied the sash at her waist.

He'd laid back down on the bed, stretching with a languor that only annoyed her, now. She grabbed clothes out of her weeks-unused closet, and hurried into the bathroom, locking the door.

"I hope you know," he called casually, "that I could get into that room any time I want. You can't hide from me. You’re my property; if I want you I will take you.”

She froze, knowing he was as good as his word. Would he…would he do that now? After what just happened?

She shook her head at her own naivete. Just because he'd made her climax didn't mean he wasn't eager to pick up where he'd left off…

She realized she'd backed up to the opposite wall of the bathroom, her clothes clutched in her hands.

She might not want to provoke him, but she needn't be afraid, she told herself. He was still…he was still her Ray, he was just acting…not himself.

Her rational mind immediately refuted this claim, but she ignored it. It was him, it WAS. If she could just believe that, she wouldn't mind anything he chose to do to her. She'd be fine, he loved her, after all…

Ray loved her.

This other person, however…he merely owned her. And there was nothing she could do about it.

***

After a few days, she had to bring up leaving the house to restock the cupboards. Ray was terribly anxious;  so afraid, still, that she’d leave him. But they had no food; she’d managed to scrape something together from canned food in the cabinets for a couple of days, but even that was dwindling.

He wanted to go with her, to protect her, and then broke down in self-recriminations, convinced he couldn’t do anything to protect her anyway, and that he was useless.

“Why do you even stay with me,” he’d whispered brokenly; he was on his knees in the hallway, and she knelt to wrap her arms around him, trying and barely succeeding to avoid tears herself.

“Because I love you, and I need you, and you’re more important to me than anything in the world,” she insisted, stroking his hair.

“I don’t understand…what you see in me…I’m worthless—”

“You are worth _everything_ to me.”

He drew a shuddering breath, and his hands came up to grasp her arm for a moment. Then he wiped his eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be like this…”

“Shhh…I told you, you are my purpose, my light, my life. There is no need for you to apologize to me.”

She’d missed the market by that point, and she realized she was asking too much, thinking that he could handle her leaving for two or three hours in his state.

“Do you think it would be okay if I left for just thirty minutes? Just to go to the convenience store?”

He took a deep breath, and pushed himself up off the floor, then nodded. “I…I’ll be alright. Just…come back soon, please?”

She’d found some book of poetry to occupy his mind while she was gone, awful poetry but still hopefully enough to keep his nerves from overtaking him.

She managed to get enough food to last them a few more days, until the next market day – a rather large load for her bike’s basket, but she didn’t want to take the car.

She’d considered it, before leaving, but…she still didn’t know where the keys were. And she was deathly afraid to ask, scared she’d provoke a change in him. He’d been  himself for days, and she didn’t want to ruin it. She could ride there, even if it meant she had to wear herself out to get there and back in a decent amount of time.

When she got back, she found her distraction method had succeeded; Ray was curled up on the couch in the den, quite a ways into the book, although he quickly put it down when he heard her come in.

After that, she went to the market once a week – riding an extra three miles on her bike to reach the market in the next village, so that she could avoid meeting anyone she knew, and risk giving away their location. She cooked nearly every night, and after a couple weeks there she had the satisfaction of seeing Ray’s form filling out, the hollows in his cheeks disappearing, his pale skin taking on a slightly healthier tone.

One Wednesday, she came back from the market to find him doing pull-ups in the kitchen doorway. It seemed he’d just started, he hadn’t yet begun to sweat…

Her Ray…working out? She knew he was stronger, lately, but it had never occurred to her that he might be interested in doing such a thing…

But when he dropped to the floor and came towards her, she knew immediately, something was off.

Why? Why would he be here now? Things had been going so well, it had been two weeks since he’d made an appearance… Still, she tried to pretend she couldn’t tell. Some idiotic part of her brain telling her that if she just ignored the difference, it didn’t exist…

“Ray…I didn’t think to see you doing such physical activity…shouldn’t you be careful?”

He smiled. A jagged crack cut her heart in two – she’d so rarely seen that smile, and now it wasn’t the one she wanted at all. This one was cold, and sharp.

“Don’t be stupid. You know that weakling would never exercise. I, however, have to make sure to stay in shape, to counteract how puny he is.”

She tried to remain calm, though her heart hammered. She grabbed half the groceries from the basket of her bike where she’d leaned it outside the door, and hurried past him into the kitchen.

But when she turned to get the rest of them, she was shocked to see him carrying them up the hall himself.

“Thank you,” she mumbled automatically, and then flinched at the frightened quality to her voice. She knew he would hear it, and react accordingly.

He put the groceries on the counter, but when she started to put them away, he grabbed her wrist.

“Why were you gone so long.”

“I…I wasn’t gone any longer than usual, I think,” she lied. She had been detained an extra half an hour at the market, simply by having to avoid someone she knew; she’d been forced to put down her vegetables before she paid for them in order to hurry around the corner to another stall, and her old neighbor had unfortunately followed her path so closely she had to continue dodging them for some time. She’d actually been concerned that Ray would be distraught upon her return, thinking she’d left him, or that something had happened to her in town.

“You were gone for three hours and four minutes.”

She blinked. “I…almost ran into someone, it took me longer than expected because of—”

“Liar!” He pinned her against the counter, eyes flashing.

She shook her head. “No! I’m telling you the truth! Why would I lie?”

“You went to get V, didn’t you? Is he around somewhere? Sneaking in where he isn’t wanted, just like he did back then!”

“What? No, of course not! I haven’t spoken to any of them since—”

“I think you need a reminder,” he growled, pushing against her; the counter dug painfully into her back, and her eyes widened when she felt something else pressing into her belly.

“N-no, no, I’ll be back on time next time, I promise—”

“I don’t believe you. Get on your knees.”

She stared at him, no longer caring about the fear that painted her features. She shook her head again, half-heartedly, knowing that he would get what he wanted – worse, knowing she would give it to him, rather than risk him leaving. Rather than risk losing Ray.

“Would you prefer a more…intimate lesson?” he purred, pushing against her. Then he surprised her for the third time that day, but claiming her mouth in a bruising kiss.

She was later ashamed at the speed with which she returned these attentions; his tongue, his lips demanded entry, and she quickly opened her mouth to accept him. Strangely, rather than making him laugh, or some other frightening reaction…

His hand slid up to her neck, but while he did halfway encircle her throat in his grip, he didn’t squeeze it uncomfortably; he even withdrew the pressure his body was putting on her, and somehow this concession fed the desire that she tried to hide from him.

She used the room he’d given her to press forward – she just wanted to stop the counter digging into her back, she told herself – but this meant she pushed against him even more, which she didn’t enjoy…not at all.

His right hand tightened, just a little, and his lips bruised her mouth; his left came around to grip her behind, pulling her into him even more. His length was hard and painful against her abdomen, but she couldn’t deny the thrill it gave her.

But then he abruptly released her, shaking his head a little, an angry growl escaping his lips.

“Don’t try to…trick me!”

Before she could deny any such intention, his hand was in her hair, yanking her down. “I told you to get on your knees – you said you’d do anything, don’t make me force you!”

Tears sprung to her eyes as she did as he said – for one moment, she’d thought perhaps the shell of this dark side was cracking, and perhaps she could get a little light through. But apparently that was just wishful thinking.

His right hand was now occupied holding her hair tightly, and he reached down to grab her own hand and place it on his manhood, guiding it from the bottom all the way up—her eyes widened when she understood his size. He might not be so big as to injure her, should he decide to force himself on her, but it would hurt, nonetheless.

“Ahh, just admit that you like it,” he sneered, as he pulled his pants aside. Then he took her wrist in a tight grip, and made her grip his length with her small hand.

“Now,” he breathed, his face flushed. “Open your mouth.”

She had a split second of soul-deep confusion. Did she…did she _want_ to do this? Was she aroused by the way he was treating her? How utterly disgusting, how base of her to feel a moment’s eagerness to please him…

But it was better, at least, to…pretend, to accept it, right? She didn’t want to set him off, of course…

Abruptly, she took him in her mouth. His grasp on her hair loosened marginally, a gasp escaping him. His head fell back; but after a moment, his brows drew together, and she was afraid he might hit her.

His other hand went to her hair as well, now his fingers threaded through it on both sides…dear god, she was at his mercy, she could only pray he wouldn’t truly hurt her…

She was afraid the fear in her eyes would lead him to do just that, but when she looked up at him, she felt him throb in her mouth, and to her horror, an involuntary whimper sounded in her throat.

“Good girl,” he whispered silkily, and then slowly, using his grip on her hair, he pushed himself further into her mouth.

She made frightened noise, but he didn’t hurt her, much to her shock and relief. And…her further flare of lust, which she tried desperately to control. He withdrew, then slowly pushed back in, a little further; when she whimpered, he stopped, pulled out, then slid in again. She’d never put her mouth on a man like this before, but the way he looked at her as he slipped between her lips made her feel like an erotic princess, skilled in the arts of pleasure…

No, no no _no_ this wasn’t right, this wasn’t Ray, and she didn’t want to be doing this – her jaw hurt, he was too big—

His hands tightened on her hair, as if he could hear her thoughts. Her attempts to reason with herself must have showed on her face; for a few uncomfortable seconds, he thrust his shaft into her mouth over and over, not too deep, but deep enough to make her cough when he slowed.

“Show me you like it,” he growled. “Show me you want me—”

She obliged him, but only, of course, to appease him; she closed her eyes, and moaned as he slid his length in again, the noise halting abruptly as he penetrated all the way to her throat.

“Ah!” He gave an anguished groan. “Good…good girl,” he panted, slowly doing the same, over and over – she tried to breath in between thrusts but they were coming faster now, she was gasping—

And then he tensed, swelling painfully between her lips, filling her mouth…

His heat coursed down her throat, and she had no choice but to swallow. She didn’t even realize the eager sound she made until she’d swallowed it all, and her face suddenly burned with shame.

His hands abruptly left her hair, even as he pulled free of her mouth, and she collapsed against the kitchen cabinets, panting.

He wiped the remnants of their activity from her chin, none too gently, and then walked out.

“I’ll be outside,” he said nonchalantly over his shoulder.

She dissolved into tears on the kitchen floor.

Ray found her some time later, still on the ground, hands over her face, although she’d finally stopped crying.

“My Star? What’s wrong?” he asked urgently, coming to kneel next to her.

Gods above…as if she could tell him.

“I’m okay, I just…I suddenly felt nauseous, for some reason, and I…”

“I’m so sorry! I should have been here to help you, but I…I got one of my headaches, I guess, and I must have blacked out for a while…why didn’t you come find me?”

“It’s okay, love. I’m okay now, I umm…I took some medicine. Can you…help me put these things away?”

He looked at her strangely, but thank god, didn’t press her. He helped her stand, and they finished putting up the groceries together.

But later, when she took a shower, she sank down into the tub, hot water rushing over her face, and shook.

She felt like she’d discovered something horrifying about herself, something that made her evil, dark, unworthy of Ray’s pure affection and adoration.

She liked the way he controlled her. She didn’t like him hurting her, not really. But now that she was alone, she could admit to herself, although she hated to: she’d enjoyed what happened.

But how was that possible? He’d violated her, forced her to perform sexual favors that she hadn’t even considered giving to Ray, much less to him…

How could she be so devoted to Ray, and yet so disgustingly receptive to the attentions of his darker half? She had to control this. She didn’t deserve to be with Ray, if this was what was locked away inside her. She resolved to stamp down these feelings, the next time…if there was a next time. It had been quite some time between episodes, so maybe she could avoid this in the future. This struggle to remain in control of her urges, ones she never would have guessed she was cursed with.

***

A week went by, and then two. Blessedly, Ray was mostly present, more and more cheerful during the day, and sleeping better at night. As gently and subtly as possible, she tried to build his confidence, reinforce how much she believed in him, and scrub away at the bad lessons Rika had instilled.

But just when she thought she'd rid herself of her nemesis, she'd catch his eye in a mirror in the house, and see him grin.

Would Ray ever be free of this? Her heart ached to know that he still wasn't whole, wasn't healthy, not mentally.

She dug out her old laptop, using it only when she was a hundred percent sure he was asleep, and looked up different therapy methods, counselling techniques, even prescription drugs. Could she somehow go into town and fake that she had a mental illness, to get medication? Impossible. She couldn't play the part that convincingly, especially not out of the blue. She'd have to rely on non-chemical forms of treatment.

But she was no doctor. Although she tried to research to the best of her ability, she realized she just didn't have the training to properly treat him. All she could do…was what she was good at. Being patient with him, and kind.

***

They slept in the same bed, now, but he’d only agreed to that after she got up several times to soothe him at night. He made sure to sleep close to the edge, to keep from bothering her, he said.

As if she wasn’t aching with an indescribable need for him to hold her, every single night…

She’d woken up several times to find him facing her, sometimes with his hand on her face. She would smile, put her own hand over his, but he would immediately apologize.

She hoped if this happened enough, he would stop apologizing. Even more she hoped…but she was getting ahead of herself. She couldn’t push him; he had to work through everything at his own pace, and pressuring him would only ruin everything.

Sometimes, he dreamed of his mother. A person Star disliked almost as intensely as she did Rika; but she tried to hide her strong feelings in front of him, afraid it would agitate his ragged emotions.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” she said quietly after she woke him from another nightmare.

“It’s because I’m—”

“No! It’s not because of anything you did, if I tell you for the rest of your life would you believe me?”

He looked away, tears causing his eyes to shine in the moonlight that streamed through the window. She normally tried to be calm in her embraces – let him know she was there, and she enjoyed physical contact with him, but not going any further than he did, not wanting to scare him or make him uncomfortable. But this time she couldn’t refrain.

She slid up and over in the bed, leaning against the pillows, and pulled him towards her; he resisted slightly at first, but within a few seconds he’d wrapped his arms around her waist, and his head was against her chest. The tremors that always accompanied his worst nightmares began to fade as she stroked his back, and kissed his hair.

“You can’t be comfortable like this,” he began to insist after ten or fifteen minutes, but she just held him tighter.

“I’ve never been happier in my life.”

He looked up at her sharply. “You don’t have to lie to make me feel better, I’ll feel worse if I inconvenience you—”

“Shhh,” she soothed, brushing his hair away from his face as she often did. “I wouldn’t lie to you, my love. I told you, everything you’ve ever done is fine with me, but you could…” her voice trailed off as she stared out the window, unseeing. “You could do anything you want to me, and I still wouldn’t leave you. Even if you…did something I didn’t like. Even if you hurt me.”

“S-star? You know I wouldn’t do anything like that, right?” His tone was worried, and she took a deep breath, disappointed in herself for letting her thoughts get away from her like that.

“I know,” she replied, smiling, and kissed his forehead. “Now, let’s go back to sleep.”

“Like…like this?” He was so hesitant…should she let him go back to ‘his’ side of the bed? But she didn’t think she could, not anymore. She needed him too much; his arms around her reminded her of what she was fighting for, and why she was putting up with his occasional…lapses. It was a small price to pay, to feel him in her arms, warm and safe.

“If you don’t mind,” she whispered, and sighed with relief when he shifted a little, curling against her, and fell asleep with the beating of her heart in his ear.

They slept like this every night thereafter, and although Star was hoping against hope that he might make further advances, she was determined to wait. After all, his loving embrace was just as important to her as further intimacy, and just because her body longed for him didn’t mean she should jeopardize the accord of their hearts to satisfy some base physical need.

She refused to let her mind linger on the few times that need had been at least partially sated. Because it wasn’t Ray who had brought her release, and there was no sweetness in the touches she’d endured. But at least it served a purpose, allowing her to sleep peacefully with Ray, their bodies entwined, without an unbearable surge of lust taking over her.

One afternoon, she'd made lemonade, and Ray sat in the shade, quietly drinking while reading some boring book she'd found in the house. She lounged in her lace robe; he'd been so sweet this morning, cheerful even, enticing her outside before she'd even gotten dressed after a shower, and she'd assented. She lay in the sun, a straw hat over her face, on knee bent in the chaise, savoring the warmth, the peace of the moment…

She heard movement, and pulled the hat away from her face to find Ray kneeling next to her, gazing at her reverently.

"I…Star, you know that I…" He swallowed, and took her hand.  

"My love? What is it?"

His chinks turned pink, and he glanced down, at her chest, then away.

Her gaze followed his, and she saw that her robe had fallen to the side a bit, exposing the curve of her breast in the sunlight.

It was difficult for her, suppressing the physical side of her feelings for him. Every day, she wanted him…she'd had episodes, with _him_ , but that wasn’t what she wanted; more than anything she yearned for things to progress with the man she truly loved.

She reached down and grabbed his hand. Guided it up, across her belly, to slide beneath the lace of her robe. Push it aside.

He gasped, his eyes flying to hers. She held his gaze, but as his hand tightened on her soft flesh, her eyes fluttered closed. She pushed forward, and heard him gasp as her breast filled his hand.

Then, fulfilling every fantasy, he leaned forward from his position next to the chaise…and hesitantly, gently…

Applied his lips to her breast, first placing soft kisses. He cupped the weight of it in his hand, his grip tentative but growing more confident with every second.

Then he gently pulled her nipple into his mouth, with a noise of pleasure so visceral her back arched in response. "Ray…" she breathed, her desire for him coursing hot in her veins, but she knew they had to be careful, take it slowly. She was a little afraid – of the power of her attraction to him, as well as what was to come. But she wanted it; oh how she wanted it.

His mouth was more eager now, suckling greedily, then lightly pulling her nipple between his teeth. When she gasped, she felt his right hand grip her waist, underneath the robe.

"My Star," he breathed against her hot skin, and she shuddered. She _was_ his, he had no idea how true that statement was. She would do anything for him. "I…"

She threaded her fingers through his hair; it was getting longer now, copper roots visible. For one fleeting moment she thought of Seven, how distraught he must be after finding his twin that way and then losing him again…perhaps she could send them a message, soon, let them know she and Ray were okay…

Ray’s mouth moved up to her collarbone, then her neck; she shivered as the memory surfaced of the last time she’d felt lips hot on her pulse…but she didn't want to think about that. This…this was what she'd wanted, imagined even before she knew his whole story.

Something in him had called out to her, a link almost physical that pulled them together. Her mind, her spirit, her body were all tied to him. It was why she considered it an option to let him take out his frustrations on her, when he wasn't in his right mind. With anyone else, the idea wouldn't have crossed her mind. She might be gentle, might seem soft and pliable, but she had self-respect. But for him she subdued thoughts of herself, wanting above all else for him to be happy. He deserved that much.

She'd always assumed he was inexperienced, given his shaky acceptance of her love for him, his surprise any time she even let him approach her, hold her hand. The…episodes she'd had since coming to the house had made her wonder, but now the way he traced her ear, her jaw, her cheek with his lips, she couldn't tell if he knew just what to do, or if he was sincerely exploring, just doing what felt right to him.

Either way, it was unutterably blissful; when his mouth finally closed over hers she had to fight to keep from grasping at his clothes, yanking them off. She wrapped her arms around him instead, but her struggle to moderate her emotions and her reaction didn't go unnoticed.

A few tears made their way down warm cheeks, and as soon as Ray felt them he tried to pull away, apologizing, but she smiled and pulled him back.

"No…it's…I’m overflowing," she assured him. "I'm happy. Please – _please_ don't stop—"

For once he didn't question, didn't insist that he was doing wrong. He kissed her again, his tongue teasing the lips that parted easily for him, inviting, welcoming…

This time when he leaned back he brought her with him, pulling her up from the chaise, backing towards the house.

She followed, never letting go, never allowing more than an inch of space between them as they made their way to her bed.

When they reached it, he halted; looked down, and then back up at her.

"A-are you sure you want to do this with me?"

"Ray," she breathed, standing on her toes, arms sliding around his neck. He shivered. "I've wanted you for weeks. I was just waiting for you to be ready…"

His arms tightened convulsively around her. "I…really? You…you were that concerned for me…"

She nodded against his shoulder, and he heaved a sigh of discovery and relief. Then he gently nudged her backward.

And reached out to pull loose the sash of her robe.

She made a little movement with her shoulders, and the robe slid away, pooling on the floor.

She was sure for a moment that he would cry. She stood revealed before him, clad in nothing but lacey underwear.

He sank to his  knees, wrapping his arms around her waist, so tight she could barely breathe, but she understood. She, too, had waited so long…

She ran her fingers through his hair as she so loved to do, and for a moment they just remained still, reveling in the closeness they'd both been anticipating but too afraid to pursue.

Then his arms slowly released her, and she felt his hands on her hips, slowly pushing her panties over them, down her legs, and off.

She'd been aroused, wet, those other times…but she didn't think it compared to this. The prospect of finally making love with her Ray, her soulmate, was churning up unexpected depths of desire in her, even beyond that which she'd already experienced, with him or otherwise.

His eyes devoured her, and for one split second she feared he would change, his gaze was so intense. But this was her sweet lover, her precious man. His hands were back at her waist now, and he gently guided her the extra inch or two backward to the bed, and directed her with his hands, to sit down on it.

She did as he wanted, but tugged at his shirt; but he stopped, and for a moment she thought he would back away, but he seemed to hold himself in place. When she looked closer she saw his chin was trembling.

"My love? It's okay, if you don't want to—we don't have to do anything you don't want, I promise," she soothed, reaching out to stroke his cheek.

"I…I'm so afraid," he whispered.

"…Of me?" Had she misjudged the situation that badly? Was he really not ready? Was she pressuring him?

"No, never!" he denied emphatically, leaning into her hand where it rested on his face. "I…I'm afraid you won't like…how I look. Or that I'll do the wrong thing, touch you the wrong way, I want more than anything to please you but I don't know much—"

She put her fingers over his lips, smiling.

"Ray…I love everything about you. The strong parts, the weak parts…the shy parts, the bold…the darkness, the light. Everything. _Everything_ ," she reiterated. His gaze pierced into her soul, the natural amber color of his eyes warming her, their pull like a ribbon attached to her spirit, one that tugged at the deepest parts of her being, her existence wrapped up in the jewel-like clarity of his eyes.

Hesitantly, he reached down and grabbed his shirt, and slowly pulled it over his head.

Her hand shook as she extended it towards him. How many times had she wished to touch him, like this? Had she thought of his warm skin beneath her hands? Her arms wrapped around his bare skin?

He was so beautiful…like the most emotionally charged statue, slender but not as weak as he’d led her to believe. The regular meals, full nights of sleep…and possibly a secret, if intermittent, exercise regimen that she’d rather not think about…were doing their work to improve his health.

Her hands were all over him, touching, stroking; sliding up his arms, down his back.

This time, when he leaned in, there was nothing between them, and when her soft curves pressed against his chest she inhaled sharply just as he gasped, and she closed her eyes, pressing closer, pulling his essence into her lungs.

His eagerness suddenly doubled, almost to urgency, and he pushed her down on the bed, his hand sliding up her thigh.

She hated the thought that intruded just then, detested it, but she couldn’t keep it away – that he didn’t realize he’d done this before, didn’t know his fingers had stroked her until she cried out, didn’t remember the feeling of his tongue on her—

She forced the thoughts away, eyes squeezed shut for a second; luckily Ray didn’t see, he was too busy staring hungrily at her naked body, watching as he slowly pushed her legs apart.

Thankfully this action did much to erase thoughts of the past, especially when he slid his hands down her inner thighs, pushing them apart even further, and then slowly drew closer to her heat.

“Star? My lover…”

Her breath caught. He’d never called her that before…

“Please tell me…if there’s anything you want me to do…or-or not do…”

A fleeting smile crossed her lips. “Anything,” she breathed, “that involves you touching me, is…that’s what I want you to do, my love. Just…touch me. Taste me. _Consume_ _me_.” She hadn’t meant to sound so intense, but she couldn’t help it, not when his mouth was inches away…

He made a little noise, his eyes wide. Then he slid his hands up a little further, until his thumbs were on either side of her heat…and spread her apart.

He stared, enticed, fascinated, but as he began to lower his head, he was momentarily distracted by the rapid rise and fall of her breasts as she struggled to breathe, anticipation burning her alive.

“My Star,” he said again. “More beautiful than any flower, than any garden…you outshine every heavenly body…”

A sob nearly choked her – he’d never been so poetic since she’d known him. She started to raise on her elbows to look at him, but just then he finally pressed his tongue between her legs, and she collapsed back onto the pillows with  a little cry.

He wasn’t even using any skilled movements, just dragged his tongue from below her opening, all the way up, like eating ice cream, but she was so aroused that even this skyrocketed her state close to the breaking point.

“Did you like that?” he whispered, his breath cool against her exposed heat.

“Again!” she pleaded, and he immediately obliged her. “Again, please!”

She was almost crying with pleasure, but she gathered her wits enough to ask, before she shattered.

“R-ray…d-do you want to feel me?” He looked up at her questioningly, and she felt a blush spreading across her cheeks. But…she wanted to say it… “Do you want to feel me, inside, when I come?”

He groaned, eyes fluttering closed, and the pulse of arousal he experienced felt almost like a shockwave to her. Immediately he began to slide his fingers into her, and she whimpered, but then he stopped.

“I…shouldn’t we stop now? I’d rather…I’d rather feel you…another way,” he finally managed, and she marveled that either of them – or both of them – could feel shyness in this situation, but she understood.

“We can stop, if you want,” she forced herself to say, although it was the opposite of what she was hoping to do. “But…you can feel me then, too…”

“You mean…I could make you…make you come twice?”

That soft voice, so rich and sweet, like heavy cream…she found herself moving her hips toward his hand, his words making her even more desperate. All she could do was nod.

She cried out when he slid his fingers into her, and then lowered his head once more, continuing his licking motions—

It only took a couple times of his tongue passing over her clit for her orgasm to overtake her.

“Ah! _God_ —” Her fingers wound in his hair, the other hand grasping the coverlet she laid on, pleasure rolled through her like ripples of lightning. Pulsing out from between her legs, writhing along her nerves all the way down to her toes, to her fingertips.

As soon as her hips stopped jerking, he leaned up, a hand on his own arousal, through the pants he still wore. She didn’t have the mental energy to assess what he was doing, but after a minute she realized he was trying to calm his erection a little bit.

“Ray! Don’t…just come here!” She wanted him inside her so badly she thought she might die of need. Her body still tingled from her release, her back arching of its own accord, as if her body wanted to reach out for him.

He hesitated for a moment, but then practically yanked his pants down, then off, and slid between her legs. Her eyes widened a bit when she saw him naked – she couldn’t help herself. She may have had his length in her mouth once before – an experience she refused to think about now – but she hadn’t really seen him. His body was so sublime to her…soft in some places, hard in others. And all of it beloved.

But still he waited, pausing for a moment, looking strangely at her.

“My lover…” he whispered again, and she felt the throb of her response keenly. “May I…ask you for a favor?”

“I’ll do anything for you, love,” she assured him, and her heart did a somersault when he smiled.

“Could you…” he seemed to fight a wave of bashfulness, and she leaned up to kiss him.

“Can you…show me what you want? Instead of saying it?” she asked, wanting nothing more than to be able to grant his wish.

Surprising her, he managed to roll them both over – he was lucky she had a big bed – until she lay on top of him. So he wanted her to take the lead, make love to him – she was more than happy to do that.

She smiled, but her smile faded as she reached down, between her legs, and her fingers closed around him. A soft whimper escaped his lips, and his eyes closed.

Heaven help her, he was so warm, so big, but not big enough to hurt her…

She positioned him, sliding his tip against her wet heat, so aroused now that it was as if she hadn’t just climaxed.

“Look at me,” she whispered, and his eyes shot open again. She held his gaze – that warm, honey gaze – as she slowly slid down onto him. Inch by inch, she took him in.

He was panting, fingers tangled in the covers, knuckles white, His eyes only left hers to look down at where his length disappeared inside her.

She let her head fall back, unable to keep her own eyes on his anymore, the pleasure of finally having her beloved man deep within her was too overwhelming. Eventually her inner thighs were pressed against his hips, and for a moment she just sat, savoring the sensation of being filled by him.

“S-star—” His voice was a ragged whisper as he reached for her.

She knew what he wanted, and she quickly laid down, sliding her arms under his shoulders, pressing her lips to his neck. Then she moved, just a small forward motion with her hips.

He whimpered, his hands sliding over her, then his arms encircled her as he lifted his hips a little to meet her.

She thought she might disintegrate; she’d been afraid it would hurt, the first time, and it did just a little. But she’d longed for this for weeks, and the reality was just as beautiful as she’d imagined.

They began to move together; he was hesitant, unsure at first, but she went slowly. When his hands slid down to grip her ass, she moaned softly into his ear, and she felt his length swell inside her.

In the beginning she was sure she wouldn’t be able to climax, this time, not with how slow they had to go, and how careful she wanted to be, not to do anything he didn’t like. But she could feel the slow, heavy throb building between her legs, now; if she could just…change positions…but he wouldn’t want her to lean away from him, even if his eyes might drink in the sight of her nakedness, his emotional nature wouldn’t like it. And neither would she, she knew; she wanted to be entangled with him, wanted their bodies to be one.

“My love…” she breathed, “could I now ask you to do something for me?”

“I’ll do anything for you, my Star…” His hands stroked her back, her hair, all of her that he could reach.

She put her arms around his back, and slowly sat upright, pulling him with her.

“Scoot back a little,” she whispered, and he did, until he was leaning against the pillows.

Then she raised up, and slid back down on him, hard—

His groan of pleasure caused a wave of ecstasy to ripple through her; he held her close to him, but his hold was loose enough that she could move, and she continued her motions. The noises he made, the unutterable bliss on his face – she’d never experienced anything so beautiful in her life.

She shifted a little, moving her hips back just an inch, so his length penetrated her at a different angle—

“Ah!” She cried out as he pressed hard against her g-spot; she couldn’t help it now, little whimpers falling from her lips with every thrust, the pressure building with maddening strength.

Suddenly she grabbed his face and kissed him fiercely—

A soft wail escaped her, pouring into his mouth as she came, pleasure shattering her body into a million shards of red.

He clutched her tight, gasping her name; she slowed down for a moment when her shaking began to subside, but—

“No, please—don’t stop, my lover, please don’t stop—”

And she immediately began riding him again, heedless of the intense stimulation – she needed him to come, she needed to feel it—

Another minute and he cried out her name, thrusting upwards, his body tensing, pushing so deep she thought she might cry as his heat spilled inside her. She felt like time stopped as he pulsed within her, his hands nearly clawing at her back, body shaking deliciously…

Finally he gasped and collapsed back against the pillows; she laid heavily against his chest, both of them sweating, the slick heat of their skin delightfully reiterating what had now passed between them.

They lay in blissful silence for several minutes, until a breeze touched her back, causing a shiver to rush across her skin.

“My Star…you’re cold…” He seemed almost weak as he tried to pull the coverlet over them, but she knew it was just the intense languor that followed their exertions. She started to rise, but he quickly put his arms back around her.

“No! Stay…I just…”

She relaxed – she could freeze here, for all she cared; if he wanted her to stay put, she would. He managed to get the blanket out from underneath them, and pulled it over her shoulders.

The thought crossed her mind as she snuggled against him, that if she died right at that moment, it might be okay, because she could never be happier than this.

***

The next day, she thought she might float away, her emotional state was so bright.

They’d made love two more times before this morning arrived, and she was pleasantly sore, her muscles tired in places she’d forgotten muscles existed.

Ray seemed to have turned a corner in his evaluation of himself. As if perhaps the undeniable evidence of her physical love had finally convinced him of what she’d been saying all along – that she loved him, unconditionally, and that he was indeed worth such affection.

He smiled more times that morning than she’d ever seen him do since she’d met him; she was trying to cook him breakfast, but he kept coming up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist, distracting her with his lips on her hair, her neck. Then she’d turn around to scold him and they’d end up kissing for five minutes.

She burned the eggs, and the bacon, and he just laughed and ate it anyway.

She thought his laughter could heal her heart of a thousand wounds, it was so precious, so hard earned. Her sweet boy, he’d been through so much, she almost cried thinking how much he deserved this peace, this rest, this contentment. It was the start of everything she’d wanted for him, for them.

He started to pick up his plate to take it back into the kitchen, but she grabbed it from him, set it back on the table, and sat in his lap, linking her arms around his neck.

She didn’t say anything, and neither did he for a moment, just embracing her, holding her against him as if she were a precious treasure.

“You were right. All those weeks ago, when you asked me…you asked me if we could leave. Even then, you were leading me to this moment. I was so afraid…but with you beside me, I feel like I can do anything.”

She kissed him. “You _can_ do anything. You’re…brilliant. Special. Talented, beautiful, loving, there aren’t enough good words to describe you—”

He chuckled and covered her lips with his again. “If there’s anything good in me, it’s only because it’s reflecting from you.”

She leaned back, a slight frown creasing her brow. “I know how you mean that, my love, but…remember, I never would have seen all that in you in the first place if it was just my own light I was seeing. You, yourself, are bright and beautiful on your own.”

“I never want to find out if that’s true,” he whispered. “I never want our lights to be separated. I never want to be without you.”

“You never will.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning (same as usual)

A few days later, she got the letter.

She’d thrown open the front door, leaving the screen closed, as she did each morning, letting a breeze waft through the house.

It was getting colder now; that day in the sun was probably the last time it would be warm enough to sit outside without a sweater. Star looked forward to it – cuddling with Ray on the couch in the den as the autumn rain caressed the windows, a fire roaring in the fireplace.

But as she turned away, she noticed something on the porch, sitting on the welcome mat.

But who would have left a letter here? Her mailbox was out by the road…and no one who knew her knew she was here.

She stood stock still for a full minute, staring at the white rectangle against the dark brown of the rug.

So innocuous, and yet she couldn’t shake the feeling of foreboding that rushed through her.

Ray walked by, pulling his shirt on after taking a shower. He came up behind her, as had become his habit over the past few days, and wrapped his arms around her. “What is it?”

“N-nothing,” she replied hurriedly, trying to close the door before he could see. She didn’t want to look at it, didn’t want to know what was inside.

But he’d noticed.

“Who would deliver a letter to your house?” he asked softly, then let go of her to push open the screen and retrieve it.

“I don’t know, but don’t open it! It could be—”

“It could be Mint Eye,” he whispered, and her eyes widened in fear.

Would this bring on…a change in him? That was the worst case scenario, but it would be bad enough if it upset him, saddened him, plunged him back into the pit of depression that she’d struggled for weeks to help him crawl out of…

He slid his finger under the flap; she reached for his hands, wanting to still them, wanting to pause their lives, remain in this pattern forever, time passing by outside this house but the two of them remaining happy inside it.

“We have to know, Star,” he said softly, and there was such new strength in his golden eyes that she took a deep breath, and dropped her hands.

The contents were worse than she’d feared.

_“My Dearest Saeran,_

_I’m so sorry it took me this long to find you. Please know that I’ve been looking the whole time, sparing no expense to get you back, and away from that woman. I don’t know what lies she told you to tear you from my side, but I promise I will get you back. Don’t worry about me being angry – it’s enough that you are safe. We can discuss how you’ll make it up to me when you get back._

_I’ll send someone for you soon. Please don’t think too much; you know what happens when you try to make decisions on your own. I’ll explain everything to you when you’re with me again._

_I will always be,_

_Your Savior  
For Eternal Paradise”_

She could feel his breaths quicken, his pulse racing, but she was so afraid to look at his face. She didn’t know if she could bear to see that look of fear come across it again, that despair he’d so often worn back at Mint Eye.

But when she dared to raise her eyes, it wasn’t sadness or self-hatred that she saw in his.

It was anger. Loathing. A hatred so strong it might even rival hers – which would make sense, given he was the one who had physically endured such torture at Rika’s hands. But still, she was shocked; she’d never seen such a look on her Ray’s face before.

No…not on her Ray’s face, but…

He crumpled up the letter and threw it to the ground.

“She thinks she can use me,” he hissed. “All she ever did was manipulate me, so she could have me for a fucking pet!”

“R-ray?” She knew it wasn’t him, but she had to try. “Ray, please be calm, we can—”

He rounded on her. “You’re telling me to be calm? For all the love you profess you want to let the Savior into his life again? Is that what you want? I won’t let her use me!”

She cringed, she couldn’t help it. She’d gotten so used to her soft, sweet love; seeing him turn hard and angry like this shocked her.

“You don’t deserve for him to love you, but he does, because he’s stupid! And weak! I’ll show you what you deserve!”

She backed away. Please don’t let this happen now, not now, we’re so happy, _please god_ …

But either god didn’t hear her, or there was none to listen.

One hand snaked around her throat, the other tangling in her hair.

“I’ll show you…what you need,” he whispered, pulling on her hair slightly.

“No, I need Ray, please—”

“I can see it, you know. In your eyes. In the way your pulse quickens…”

“That’s…because I’m afraid!”

He chuckled darkly. “A lovely flush of arousal when I touch you…the way your back arches…”

She squeezed her eyes shut. He was right, but she’d no idea she’d been that transparent.

“No,” she whispered, trying again to assert herself.

“That’s okay,” he said, his teeth on her ear. “You can pretend…to yourself, anyway.”

He dropped his hands and for a moment she thought the danger had passed; she watched him, wary, as he closed the front door again, and locked it.

Then he turned and smiled at her. “Would hate for anyone to interrupt us,” he murmured smoothly.

Her chin trembled.

The danger of him might fascinate her, and his roughness arouse her, but one thing she never wanted to see again as long as she lived, was that smile that did not belong on the face of her beloved. That wicked, cruel curve of the lips that told her her loyalty was soon to be tested.

His eyes narrowed when he saw her expression, and she thought he might hit her, but though he paused for a moment, looking almost…confused, then he grabbed her wrist, and hauled her into the bedroom.

He shoved her down on the bed; she didn’t know what to do besides acquiesce to his demands, not now. If he somehow went back to Mint Eye…she would lose him. She couldn’t bear the thought; she’d told him she loved all parts of him, and she had to remind herself of the one thing that made her feel a little less cold, a little less disgusted with her own attraction to him.

There was some of the man she loved inside this monster. He might seem completely different, but it was just another side of him; the two halves made a whole, and she loved that whole, even if this part alone was hard to endure.

And he loved her. She knew he did, underneath this sickness in his mind. If she could just remember that, maybe she would be okay.

She’d sat curled on the bed for a minute, trying to get a hold of herself, and didn’t notice that he’d walked away, until he came back, and began roughly pulling her clothes off.

Anxiety coursed through her…she knew what he was about to do, in general; she’d always half expected, any time he made an appearance, that he might do something like this. But she just prayed that whatever he chose to inflict on her wouldn’t damage her, physically or mentally. Wouldn’t destroy her chance at happiness with Ray.

He pushed her back onto the bed, his movements nearly gentle – certainly as gentle as he’d ever been in his treatment of her. His eyes greedily devoured her nakedness, and his hands followed, running up her legs, over her waist, palms closing over taut nipples—

“Ahh, there it is,” he purred as her back arched into his hands of its own accord. She squeezed her eyes shut and turned away. “That flush…turns that porcelain skin pink all the way from your nose…to…here…”

She couldn’t contain a little cry when his mouth found her breast, suckling hard, but just short of legitimate pain. While she was distracted with his teeth – now biting none-too-gently – his hands slid over her arms, pulling them slowly above her head.

He switched his attentions to the other side, swirling his tongue around her nipple, and now she didn’t even bother denying her body’s yearning for him.

But when he leaned back to take his own shirt off, suddenly it hit her what he’d been doing.

…He’d tied her wrists to the headboard, with the sash from the curtains.

She gasped in shock at this betrayal – although what else had she expected of him, really – but almost as soon as she registered her bound state, a throb of arousal echoed between her legs, so potent that she whimpered.

“Mmm, yes, _this_ , my pet, this is what you deserve,” he murmured.

Her hips bucked, she tried to get away from him, but it was merely for show; the only time she’d been wetter was just before she and Ray made love the first time. She knew that he wanted her to deny him, and god help her, she wanted to play along.

She turned her face away; the burning in her cheeks was no ploy.

“No, please,” she whispered, almost to herself – if only she could curb these dark tendencies of hers; if only she _was_ truly disgusted by what he was doing…

Then he was between her legs, and she did have one moment of sincere fear; this wasn’t right, she shouldn’t let him do this to her, her body belonged to Ray alone—

He pushed her legs apart, his hands finding how wet she was – he stroked her for a moment, watching her face. She bit her lip; he lightly teased her clit, and she pulled at her restraints—

Her arms were tied tight above her; she couldn’t get away from his searching fingers—

And to her absolute horror, an orgasm overtook her, before he even did almost anything; her hips jerked, and he made a noise of raw arousal.

He spread her legs farther, tugged roughly at her soft flesh as he positioned himself, and before her body had even recovered, he thrust his entire length inside her, so deep his hips dug into the soft skin of her thighs.

A long wail escaped her, tears springing to her eyes.

“Yes, good girl,” he whispered raggedly – at least, for once, he was affected by what they were doing, much more so than when she’d had him in her mouth.

He withdrew, and thrust again; this time the tears overflowed, and ran down the sides of her face.

Then, to her shock, he leaned down and kissed the corner of her eye.

For some reason, this overset her so much that she began crying in earnest, although she managed to keep it down to a tortured expression and the tears that she couldn’t prevent.

He stopped.

“Why are you stopping,” she sobbed. “Isn’t this what you wanted?” She didn’t know why she’d chosen now, of all moments, to speak her mind, after all the weeks that she’d been so careful not to be harsh, or demanding, or to question too deeply.

“You  might as well finish the job, if you want to hurt me, you’ve done it! Go ahead!” She was yelling now, and didn’t even care.

“Be quiet!” he hissed, his hand coming out of nowhere to slap her – she tasted blood on her tongue. “You…you wanted this, you asked for this! Don’t blame me!”

He began again, and though a small, purely physical part of her couldn’t deny the pleasure she felt, the rest of her was breaking into pieces.

He drove into her relentlessly; she couldn’t stop the tears that continued falling, but at the same time she had trouble containing the noises that threatened to escape her – she hated him, and she hated herself for feeling this way.

Suddenly he stopped again, and this time she opened her eyes, blinking, unable to see properly through tears she couldn’t wipe away.

He practically collapsed on top of her; started pushing into her again, but with less force. Still sliding deep, but more gently – what was going on?

His hand moved behind her head, the other coming up to rest on the softness of her breast, which he lightly squeezed…

“I’m sorry…I can’t let you go, I can’t let you leave,” he whispered, and she gasped with confusion. “It makes me so hard to see you like this…”

She sucked in a breath. Was this…a trick? What was he doing?

“I…” she hesitated, unsure, completely disoriented, her body edging closer to climax, but her mind perplexed, and her heart…

“Say it,” he breathed. When she remained silent, he gave one hard thrust, gripping her breast a little more roughly at the same time, and she bit her lip—

“Say it, tell me you like it,” he demanded, but not cruelly. He was instructing her. His voice, now…closer to the one she knew, the one she loved, but still…a little different.

“It…it feels good to be bound,” she whispered, so quiet she was afraid he’d make her say it again.

But instead he said something that confused her even more.

“Bound… _by_ me? Or _to_ me?” His shaft was buried deep when he said it; she could barely think—

“Both,” she breathed.

His groan sounded almost like relief; he pushed a little further, if that were possible—

And then came deep inside her; she’d been close enough already but the knowledge that her reply had made him come removed what little control she had left.

With a cry, she exploded, her orgasm so intense her whole body trembled, hips jerking against him—

Before she could stop herself, words fell from her lips—

“Saeran…I love you…”

***

She squeezed her eyes shut again, preparing for a blow, at least recriminations. But none came.

He slowly reached up and tugged at the loose knot that held her wrists, pulling the sash away.

Then he withdrew, and quickly locked himself in the bathroom.

She lay there, dazed, unmoving, for some time. Only the trickle of his heat between her legs reminded her that she was still naked; she pulled her knees together, and curled on her side in the bed, dragging the blanket over her.

What had just happened? It wasn’t that she’d gotten Ray back, but…there had been some change, something that had softened him, brought out a tenderness that she almost couldn’t even bear to think about.

She’d gotten through previous episodes because they were so exclusively physical; her feelings for Ray, her intimacy with him, was on an entirely different level, the emotions she felt when she was with him lifting it above the plane of ‘just sex’.

The cruelty and violence she’d experienced further distanced those instances from the times she’d made love with Ray; there was no way to confuse the two.

But now…

How could she have said that to him? How could she profess her love for this man that had hit her on multiple occasions, violated her, practically raped her? It was Ray she loved, not him – she adored Ray’s sweetness, his tenderness, the soft, reverential way he looked at her—

But perhaps, there was something else about him she loved too. Maybe all those times she’d told herself that _he_ was Ray too, just a different aspect of him…

It occurred to her with blinding clarity – when she’d told him, a few days ago, that she loved all of him, including the dark and the light…she’d been more truthful than she realized.

How could she possibly fix this? She couldn’t hope that Saeran would continue like this; something had been different, today, but that didn’t mean it would stay that way. And now she’d given him yet more control over her, by admitting her feelings. How could she have been so stupid?

She heard a tortured groan, and instantly sat up in the bed.

“Ray?” she called, recognizing his sounds of pain.

Suddenly he wrenched open the door, his face a mask of agony and despair.

“Love? What’s wrong!?” she asked urgently, but when she got up from the bed to rush to him, he stared behind her, and flinched away.

She thought the crack that echoed through her heart might be loud enough for him to ear. He hadn’t flinched from her in so long…why would he be afraid of her…

She turned to follow his gaze.

There was blood on the sheets.

Oh, god…she looked down, and a smear of red decorated each thigh. It wasn’t her time; he’d been too rough with her—

“Ray, it’s okay, I’m fine, I just—”

He focused on her face, and his eyes widened even more. As if he saw something there that—

She rushed past him into the bathroom.

The mirror showed her the red welt left by his own fingers, standing out harshly against her pale cheek.

She stared in shock for a moment, but was recalled to her surroundings when she heard Ray’s footsteps running to the front door.

She ran after him, grabbing her robe from the hook by the door, tying it around herself as she hurried to follow.

The front door was open, the screen door still reverberating on its hinges.

“Ray!”

She looked around; heard the snap of a twig off to the left of the house, in the woods. She flew down the steps, rounded the corner, unmindful of the rocks beneath her bare feet, or the chill in the air.

But she didn’t see him. She stopped, listened; he couldn’t have gone far, but…which way? Her house was surrounded by acres of woods…

“Ray…” she whispered, staring forlornly into the trees, hoping to catch sound of him, get an idea where he’d gone.

But all that met her ears was silence.

***

She trudged back to the front steps; sank down to sit on them, her mind alternating between barely functioning and flying through her thoughts at light speed. Leaning her head against the banister, its faded white paint cool against her hot cheek, she gave way to tears.

What did it matter, if she sobbed now; there was no one to hear her – she didn’t have to remain calm for Ray’s sake.

It had been a long time since she’d cried; when they were at Mint Eye, she had a few times, out of frustration at not being able to help him…not to mention occasionally her negative feelings toward Rika overflowed, and she couldn’t contain a frustrated bout of tears.

But that was weeks ago; months, now.

Perhaps all that she’d done had been for nothing. Maybe she should have just let V get Saeran out of that place, himself. Maybe she shouldn’t have even gotten involved.

Had she doomed him? And herself? If she somehow caused him to be hurt, she thought she might dive off a cliff herself. If he chose not to be with her, that was one thing, although she couldn’t deny she wondered if she’d survive that too. But she wouldn’t blame him; he was his own person, he could choose whatever made him happy.

All she wanted was his happiness. And she’d thought she could give that to him, that she could help him heal, in peace and quiet, with her.

But perhaps that had just been arrogance. Stupidity. Perhaps Rika had been right…

 _Please, god, let him be okay_ , she murmured to herself, a litany that sprung to her lips over and over as she sat on the porch.

The light breeze turned into a stiffer, colder wind. Still, she sat – she had to be there when he got back. He would come back, she knew it; she had to wait, make sure he saw that she hadn’t forsaken him…

A drizzle. Then rain. The thin lace of her robe soaked through in minutes, but her eyes merely stared, unseeing.

The chaise in the front yard, under the oak tree, where not so long ago he’d made his first real advance toward her. They’d been so happy, for such a short time…

It was so unfair…if he would just come back…she could start over, she wouldn’t let her baser instincts overwhelm her this time, she would find some other way to deal with his lapses…

She barely registered the weather. Her tears had dried up now, but the rain replaced them, running down her cheeks in rivulets, her pale flaxen hair plastered to her back.

She thought she heard someone speak her name, but she knew she was just imagining things.

Imagining that he returned.

Imagining that he loved her.

“I should have done better,” she whispered through cold-numbed lips.

“I should have done better by you, Saeran, I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…”

Suddenly, for a moment she felt light, and then warm; she thought stupidly that she must be dying, but disregarded that…she wasn’t lucky enough to die yet. She’d have to live her whole life without him, or worse, with the knowledge that something had happened to him, because of her.

The far off sensation of a blanket being tucked around her. Then, she slept.

***

Star awoke, and was immediately disoriented.

Rain pelted the windows…she was in her bed. Was it all a dream?

Had she dreamed what happened between them?

Had she dreamed he left?

She tried to sit up in the bed, calling out for him—

“Ray!”

Oh god, what if…what if he was gone, gone forever—her chest hurt, she couldn’t raise herself properly; what was wrong…

“I’m here, my Star.”

His beloved voice elicited a shuddering sigh of relief; one that made her cough a little, but it was worth it. She collapsed back into the bed as he hurried into the room, his hands laden with various items which he hurriedly placed on the bedside table.

He sat beside her, smoothing the hair away from her brow as she’d so often done to him.

“I’m so glad you’re awake…I was so worried!”

She blinked, looking at him in confusion. He was…different, somehow. His eyes, for one, seemed…warmer? But then she realized the biggest difference – his hair was pulled back, and the auburn roots now framed his face…it made him seem so much…older, somehow. More mature. More…

She took a deep breath.

“Tell me…” she had to clear her throat; it was so rough… “what happened? Did you…did you leave? Or did I dream it?”

“I did,” he whispered, searching her eyes. “I’m so sorry I let this happen to you…” a little of his former tone was back; a faint note of self-hatred creeping into his voice.

“No! This is all my fault, I should have…I should have behaved better, I…please don’t hate me, I didn’t—”

“Why would I hate you?” he breathed in shock. “You…you have endured…so much at my hands, I…”

Her eyes widened. “Y-you…you remember?”

He squeezed his eyes shut, and tears trailed down his cheeks.

“I remember all of it,” he whispered. “And I know no apology could ever…be enough, after the things I’ve done—”

“No! Don’t apologize to me, you weren’t…you weren’t yourself! It doesn’t matter—”

“It _does_ matter! I’ve…misused you, violated you, treated you like…like my slave! How can I live with a history like this? How can you even look at me?”

“I told you I love you no matter what! Don’t you know what unconditional means??” She raised her voice more than she ever had to him – to Ray, anyway. A fit of coughing rewarded her efforts.

“I can’t hold you to that, Star. Not anymore. Now please, you need to take some medicine—”

“You don’t have to _hold me_ to it! It’s still just the truth,” she managed, ignoring his comment, though her throat was raw.

His eyes lowered, then met hers again. “I…I can’t believe you could possibly…still feel that way…”

“Saeran,” the name came to her easily, suddenly. His breath caught. “If you remember everything…you remember what I said, before.”

He nodded tentatively. She grabbed his hand where it lay on the blanket, and pulled it to her cheek.

Her face burned, but she had to ask him. She had to know…how put off he was by her actions.

“Saeran, please tell me – please be honest.” Her voice was quiet, afraid; she cleared her throat. “Do you…want to leave because of…because of how I…”

She broke off, dropping his hand for a moment to press her cool fingertips to her burning cheeks. After the things he’d done to her, _with_ her, she felt stupid to be so bashful.

“What do you mean? I don’t _want_ to leave at all, but—”

“But aren’t you…disgusted by me?”

He stared. “D-disgusted? Me? I don’t understand—”

“Because I…I let you do all those things! _And I enjoyed it_!” There; she’d admitted it. As if it wasn’t obvious…

He sucked in a breath, a flush darkening his cheeks.

“I…thought my memory must be a delusion,” he whispered. “I thought I wasn’t remembering it right; it was because I was…messed up in the head, at the time, I just _wanted_ you to like it, there was no way you actually…responded…the way I remembered…”

She shut her eyes, mortified. “Whatever you remember, my behavior was probably twice as bad…”

“My Star…I can’t explain to you properly right now, since you’re ill, but—”

Her eyes flew open when his hand caressed her cheek. Was he…not angry with her? Displeased, even?

He slid his arm around her shoulders and pulled her against him, kissing her forehead. Then his lips were next to her ear, and he took her hand.

She gasped when she realized where he was guiding it—

“I don’t think you understand how… _not_ disgusted I am, my lover,” he murmured, his voice low and warm. He pressed his lips to her pulse, and a soft, hoarse cry escaped her; this was different, still, from either type of caress she’d had from him before.

Purposeful, yet soft. Not bashful, but not forceful either. Heaven help her – she’d been in enough trouble with his extremes, if he was now going to combine the two facets of his personality…

“But like I said, you’re ill, you need to recover,” he murmured, kissing her forehead again. Then he leaned back, and reached for something he’d set on the table.

She could barely breathe, and he was going to have her drink tea?? But he was right; before she could even take a sip she started coughing again. He fumbled among the pile, putting the tea back down, grabbing a bottle of water, and a bottle of some vile-looking cough syrup.

“Where did you get all this?” she marveled when her coughing subsided. She obediently drank a capful of the red liquid, screwing her face up at the awful taste; he chuckled and kissed her nose.

“I went to the convenience store,” he said, a hint of pride in his voice.

“You…did you drive?”

He nodded. “I couldn’t be away from you for too long, I was so afraid you’d wake and I wouldn’t be there – but I remembered that first time you went there, you weren’t gone very long, even on your bike…”

“Wow…” the lengths he’d gone to get her medicine…she was shocked. And touched, beyond measure.

“It uhh…could have gone better, though,” he added, a little sheepishly. “I umm…I may have taken out someone’s mailbox…”

Her laughter quickly devolved into more coughing, but the smile remained on her face. “I’m just glad you didn’t get into any trouble!”

“The lady at the store was very nice – I told her the medicine was for my sister, and she went around the store with me and got everything she thought I’d need…”

He glanced at her again. “I also…I had to go through your purse, I’m really sorry but I had to find some money, to get the—”

“It’s fine, my love. I just can’t believe you did all that…”

“Well…I had to make up for just…leaving you like that…”

“Where did you go? I’m surprised you’re not sick too…” she took a sip of her tea – it was a little bitter, but she just blinked and kept a straight face.

“I was under the trees, I just got a little wet…Star, why did you stay out there? God, when I came back and you were sitting there practically comatose, I thought…I thought…”

His breath hitched, and she reached for his hand. “I didn’t mean to scare you, love. But I was so afraid you’d left…for good…and I thought I’d caused it…”

He sighed heavily. “You do so much for me, you’ve made so many sacrifices, endured so much…but you still worry for me at the cost of your own health.”

“I love you,” she stated simply. To her, that did explain all of it.

He lifted her hand and kissed the back of it. “I love you too, my Star.”


End file.
